Zzzzzzzzzzzzz, Where Are You?

Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn Turn. Dammit!! It's 2:57 a.m.....would someone PLEASE tell the crap-ramble in my head to shut the hell up and go to sleep!!!

Ever say those words, or a version thereof? Ya, I know you have. And it sucks.

Let me digress: Two nights ago, I had an allergy attack. A BAD ONE. I was at my writer's critique meeting and all of a sudden my eyes started itching, my nose stopped working, and my throat began tickling (not in a hahaha way). I got the heck outta there and by the time I pulled up to my driveway 20 minutes later, my eyes were but itty bitty slits. I had the total Asian face happening. Looks weird on me. Anywho, I immediately ate a few Benadryl. Lovely, lovely, Benadryl, both an allergy cure AND, unbeknownst to me, the best sleeping pill in the universe. Yes folks, that night, I slept like the dead.

But that was two nights ago. Last night, I paid for it. Since I got a double dose of comatose two nights prior, the sleep zombies took away my usual ration of snooze. You just can't get one over on those zombies. Follow along:

12:28 a.m. Crap. It's almost 12:30. If I don't fall asleep within the next two minutes, I'm officially on my way to Insomniaville. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Did I put that load of laundry in the dryer? Man, it's gonna smell like the inside of a warm milk carton if I don't. Milk...do we have milk for breakfast in the morning? I want to try that new French toast recipe. Why do they call it French toast? Too bad we can't stop by France on our way to.....DAMN!!! It's 12:33. Stop the mind-chatter now, Lisa, and breathe. There. In, out, in, out.

Just when I think I've got it, my Zumba class music starts playing in my head. Who turned that on? I didn't ask for that. I wasn't even thinking about anything, just my in-out-in-out breathing. It's the breathing. It started a rhythm in my head and now my body is doing minuscule movements to the Zumba songs. I'm trying to trance out to "Boom Boom Pow", not exactly a lullaby. Shoot. Ok, everyone stop moving now. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

That's when Husband starts in with his log sawing. Jeez, is he swallowing his tongue? I need to save him!! I'll just shove my knee into his lower back really hard. There, see what a lovely wife I am? No no no, don't just turn over onto your other side and start snoring again. Now, I'm pissed at you. Not only for your snoring (directly in my face thanks to your roll-over), I'm pissed at you for sleeping so soundly. I want to snore like that. I want to drool like that. I want to piss you off like that. Grrrrr. Slumber, where are you??? I repeat over and over... Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Ok, wait... Ya. Yes. Here it comes. I feel that drifty-floatiness, oh ya, baby.... HONK!!! HONK!! There's the peacock in the background, making every hound within a four mile radius howl with predatory angst. You have GOT to be kidding me. I am now going to hide under my pillow and consider self-suffocation so I can sleep.

This goes off and on for at least an hour. I try not to look at the clock. I must have dozed at one point because the cable box is now flashing 2:22 and I have some semblance of a dream flying through my head. Creepy dream. I was in an old castle, pregnant (as a surrogate) with this monster-couple's child. I was looking at my stomach, reflected in a cracked, floor-length mirror covered in webs, and I could see the kid's face poking through my skin. He/She/It was blinking its huge eyes and opening its sharp-fanged mouth and all I could think of was that I hope it won't bite my ladybits on the way out. So good luck to me trying to go back to sleep after THAT image. I cross my legs tight and roll over. I can do this. I have a strong mind.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I'm too hot. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Gotta pee. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. HONK!! HONK!! Oh, forget it. You win, zombies. Where the hell's my Benadryl?